My good friend (and amazing real estate agent in the Collingwood/Blue Mountains area, btw), Patrick, tagged me in one of those Facebook challenge things that I 100% ignore all of the time. The challenge was to post a pic from a movie once per day for ten days.
After tagging me in the challenge, Patrick then followed up with a promise that, if I completed the challenge, he would watch each of the ten movies I posted.
Um, an opportunity to show off my excellent taste in cinema while also wasting someone’s time? What a power trip, amirite? Obvs there’s no way I could turn that down. But also, I’m me. So how could I take this ten steps further? By asking Patrick to review the movies so that I could post them on this blog, of course! He said he would do it if I did it, I said I would do it if Cathy did it, Cathy said she would do it if I just stopped fucking messaging her at 3am, and it was a done deal! And now, for your reading pleasure over the next several weeks, you will get what we are calling Cork Screw Reviews!
That’s right! Cork Screw Reviews – the reviews you never asked for about movies you’ve long forgot. Reviews that may or may not contain spoilers but let’s face it, you should’ve watched these by now, anyway.
For our first Cork Screw Review, we’re turning our attention towards Club Dread.
This delightful university / teenage sex romp / bunch of campers being picked off one by one slasher film was a refreshing throwback to the 1982 lowbrow comedy Porky’s / horror films of the same era . The gratuitous nudity, binge drinking, drugs, boobs and gore are a rare sight in this politically correct era and was delivered unapologetically. The sketch comedy troupe that created this film was apparently started in a fraternity and in retrospect this literally bled though in many of the scenes. Happy Halloween movie goers!*
Note: Patrick wrote this review a few days before Halloween so his sign-off makes perfect sense, okay?
The unique telling of an all-inclusive island getaway for horny coeds on spring break. The only thing that could ruin the homophobia, objectification of women and straight up sexual harassment of this campy satire would be if there was a killer on the loose, targeting the horny coeds. Oh, Wait…..
I went into this not expecting much, and boy howdy, I was not disappointed. This wasn’t much at all. I believe I agree with Peter Howell of the Toronto Star, when he said, “Club Dread is just stupid, period.”
This movie begs the question, “Are you the fun police? ‘Cuz you have to tell me if you’re the fun police”.
Was I surprised by the plot, acting, and obligatory shark tooth on leather braid necklaces for each cast member? Yes. I didn’t know that Fox Searchlight Pictures were still putting their name on compost like this as late as 2004. However, to call this film “compost” is an insult to compost; at least compost is useful and has the capacity to give back. Fox Searchlight Pictures, the same studios that brought us cinematic masterpieces like “Boys Don’t Cry”, “Juno”,” Slum Dog Millionaire”, “Sideways”, and “12 Years a Slave” clearly lost a bet when they agreed to produce this stinking pile of 4-day-old garbage.
Bill Paxton, the male lead (aka “Coconut Pete”), is the only real winner here, because he doesn’t ever have to see this movie again.
You know, nothing blows my goats harder than subtle bigotry and ignorance interspersed throughout a film. Luckily for me, I found none of that it this movie. In fact, the sexism and misogyny was so overtly rampant, I morphed into a 14 year-old boy within the first four minutes of the movie, suspending all sense of self and thoughts of feminist empowerment.
Whew, what a relief!
And of course this means that my review is given entirely from the perspective of my favourite alter ego, teenage Chad, who loves the fact that his parents are divorced because it means two Christmases and a mom who can be manipulated into anything with the five simple words, “I’m moving in with dad!”
Now, on with the review.
Ah, Club Dread! The indie slasher parody, written and directed by Broken Lizard, the same minds who brought you such gems as Super Troopers and Super Troopers 2, okay meow?
This is the ultimate slasher parody film. Fuck you, Scary Movie franchise. This shit is where it’s at. First of all, it has the best excessive use of foreshadowing for the purpose of misdirection I’ve ever seen. It also makes me yearn for a yard with a maze in it that I can use to play human Pac Man, and I honestly cracked up when they gave Phil Calete the nickname Machete Phil instead of Machete Calete. And then the whole Coconut Pete losing his marbles over Jimmy Buffet stealing Pina Coladaburg and turning it into Margaritaville? BRILLIANT. The names of Coconut Pete’s albums – Pink Crustaceans and Good Vibrations and Sea Shanties and Wet Panties – so stupid, I had to laugh. I also cracked up at the many ridiculous one-liners such as, “She accidentally ate some rat poison”.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure that Broken Lizard’s goal was to create a film so entertainingly idiotic that it aggressively kills the viewers’ brain cells with every giggle and eye-roll. And let me say, mission accomplished, Broken Lizard. Mission accomplished.